The Voice of Reason: Sometimes the Voices are all we have

The Voice of Reason: Sometimes the Voices are all we have: I can't believe the last time I wrote on this blog was last year in March, it has taken me a year to return because a lot happened in th...

Sometimes the Voices are all we have

I can't believe the last time I wrote on this blog was last year in March, it has taken me a year to return because a lot happened in that one year.  Three weeks after that post my husband's cousin was also killed in  a "random act" of violence and subsequently after barely pulling myself out of that one his godmother also died of a brain tumor, my son's friend from middle school was also murdered in the street.  It all started that December with my student from my school being murdered and it all just spiraled so out of control after that. I have spent this year in a state of post traumatic stress.  I did not go see a physician or a therapist, but looking back I think I would have spared myself a lot of grief, and thirty pounds of weight that I did not need.  On top of that my household was turned upside in a whirlwind of a negative energy finally being removed and I could breathe.  But I didn't breathe, I wrapped myself up so tight that I could not see the sunshine.  I fell into a zombie like state of wake up, work, go home, forget repeat.  Day in and day out in this routine.  I did not want to feel anymore, I did not want to know about happiness, I did not want to feel anything and when I did it was boredom which I happily replaced with bad food choices.

 There were wonderful things that happened this year too, I was present at the birth of my grand nephew, which really helped me see that the cycle of life does continue, and life goes on.  It is how you deal with all the bullshit that can be the game changer.  I actually put a lot of effort in my job, and got some accolades out of that.  It seemed like I was doing better, but I was not, because the real place where I needed help with was my attitude about myself.  There is a saying that you can't love anyone, unless you love yourself.  I was mad at myself.  I spent so much time listening to the negative voices in my head, that I was drowning in my own voice.  The voice of reason wasn't there; it was on hiatus and I could not stop myself from all the negativity.  I found mindfulness through the noise.  I enrolled in a class to shut up my thoughts.  I needed help because I could not do this alone.  Through this course, I forgave myself.  I was able to learn and put into perspective many of the thoughts that raged on inside.  I had a chance; I grabbed onto this like a lifeline on who wants to be a millionaire.  I still had several months left of school and they were the most difficult I think I have ever had in my whole time of being employed there.  I really had to practice mindfulness on a daily basis , practically an hourly basis.  I got through the year, maybe a little more seasoned, but really just done with the whole year.  I wanted it to end so badly, I don't think I have ever felt that way about the school year ever.

Now it's been three days since I left there and the clouds have parted, sunshine is peeking through my darkness, and I feel so much better.  The reason I am writing today, is because I actually felt like it again.  I went running, something I had stopped doing.  In running there is a sweet purging of the gunk that is inside of you, you sweat it out, you hack it out, it comes out of your nose.  I know not pretty, but not everything that is good for you is pretty.  It takes work it takes dedication, it takes desire.  I have had no desire to do anything, but to just get through the day and move on.  I can't live my life like that though, I am too spunky, and generally too happy to wallow.  This is the longest period of self wallowing I have ever done, but it is over.   The voice of reason has returned, and I'm glad.  I hope they don't abandon me again, but if they do.  I hope that the tools I have from training my mind are going to help.